Sinuosity

There's a change in the weather today, literally and figuratively. I've spent most of this week in high spirits, but today I'm... Not sad, not depressed, nothing so negative - just mercurial, yet content, but crestfallen at my contentment because I don't feel that it's merited. It's false. It should be false, how dare I feel content when there's something big looming (is it good? bad?)... Is there an actual word that covers this strange combo of feelings? I think it's Thunderstorm Thursday.

Sometimes I wonder how I can watch these 'things' unfold with bemusement, meddling around with them in unexpected ways, exploring options... And yet be so calm. I think I'm flirting with fate. Or maybe I'm completely overdramatizing everything to entertain myself. Fun stuff. I must be pretty entertained - it's been 4 or 5 weeks since I've turned on a TV and watched anything! I do feel lucky that there are such interesting people in my life, though.

I'm tired. I want a good conversationalist to come downtown randomly and take me out to lunch somewhere weird, and then I want to go home, crash for an hour, wake up, and blast drum & bass until my coffee grinds itself and Margaret comes over from across the hall and yells at me. I want to travel! I don't want to travel! I can't decide whether or not I want to be decisive!

I miss my gramma and grampa. I want to sit in their kitchen for dinner on a summer evening and bow my head over the wholesome meal they've prepared and be truly thankful for the universe and all of its complex simplicity. Because I am! I think!

BAH!