I woke up this morning and burst into tears. 10 years ago, it would've been pretty characteristic, but in my current boring, practical, completely banal state, such a thing is rare. Uninteresting, non-emo people don't cry, obviously, so the fact that I just sat here in the sunshine and bawled my eyes out for about half an hour should indicate that maybe I'm on a path away from Boring-itude (or on a path to clunky black glasses, a pallid complexion and a penchant for bad ethereal poetry)...
So of course I called mama. I called mama like a little fool and I sobbed and revealed my every deep, festering vulnerability... Because mamas know each one intimately, handle them carefully, and still love you.
I realized that I've been lying to myself about myself. I always think, gee, I'm such a happy person! Sure, I get excited about all sorts of things, and I rarely feel depressed or apathetic – but I'm pretty moody, and from what I hear about the judgments people make about me upon interacting with me, I'm damn good at disguising it.
Long Term:
Love, companionship
- (pro) er, love and companionship?
- (con) requires stability (geographic and fiscal)
- (pro/con) requires commitment
- (pro/con) can't really be a goal, since it's unplannable
PhD work
- (pro) I LOVE SCHOOL MORE THAN ANYTHING
- (con) expensive
- (con) I'd lose several potential salary years
- (pro/con) I'd probably work feverishly and intensely
- (con) my quality of life would be less than it is now
- (pro/con) I'd probably wind up as a professor
A career that excites me and utilizes my intelligence
- (pro/con) I might have to move
- (pro) I might make more money
- (pro) I would be more “invested” in my job
A healthy lifestyle (I have this now, to an extent)
Time to pursue my myriad hobbies and interests (I've kind of lost touch with them)
Write a book or three, or eight, etc.
Short Term:
Research into PhD and other MS programs (sociology, linguistics, policy, etc.)
Research into scholarships
Appointments with academic advisers
Set aside $700 for the digital piano I've been drooling over for over a year
Dance, dance, dance
Look into a career change, explore my other options/interests (teaching, Japanese)
A book a week keeps the insanity at bay
10 comments:
You know, clunky black glasses are totally cute, I mean, I'm just sayin'...
I'm impressed.
The first step in the right direction - which is oftentimes the easiest one to make.
Seriously...well, unless you’re not to be taken so serious, as like in the past, which would seriously be disappointing.
It's not who you are inside, but rather what you do that defines who you are. (yes – a girl once told this to me before risking my life to save a city.) So whatcha waiting for? At any rate…take life more seriously – you might even lose reason to lie to yourself.
Batman
My best friend of 11 years just moved across the country too. And I have to say that I somewhat envy you for your lack of tie-downs.
"Warning" by Incubus (i can loan it to you if you want- RH)
Bat your eyes girl.
Be otherworldly.
Count your blessings.
Seduce a stranger.
What's so wrong with being happy?
Kudos to those who see through sickness...yeah
Over and over and over and over...........
She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don't ever let life pass you by.
I suggest we
Learn to love ourselves,
Before its made illegal
When will we learn, When will we change
Just in time to see it all come down
Those left standing will make millions
Writing books on ways it should have been
She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don't ever let life pass you by.
Floating in this cosmic Jacuzzi
We are like frogs oblivious
Soon the water starting to boil,
Now I flinched and we all float face down
She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don't ever let life pass you by.
Pass you by.
Steven - oh, agreed... just not on me. ;)
Batman - re sentence #4 of your comment, I'm not sure if I quite agree. in fact, I'm QUITE sure that I DON'T agree, if agreement means I have to support your statement 100%... because I only support it 50% or less. your definition inside is what catalyzes the things you do. everything begins from the inside.
and your advice! coming from the man who advises most others to take themselves LESS seriously! :P my friend, you do confuse me! am I an exception to your rule?
Alisa - it's going to be hard. :( and the lack of tie downs is really...disorienting. do not want!
RH - I can has? <3
HI Nieta,
I haven't read your blog in a while, but I'm proud of you for the tears... as one who despises crying as well... its cathartic and good for you. Its also good for you to ask for help and set goals! Yeah Nieta!
I also have to disagree with Batman on the inside/ outside thing. I do believe that it is who you are on the inside that counts. You could fake a "perfect" outside life and still be left miserable internally.
I think they are so connected that they are hard to separate... allow your true inner beauty to come out in your actions, in your risk taking, in the books you read, in your dancing, etc.
Well, I would love to get together sometime for coffee if you want... traci@visiodei.org
don't take me so seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY. I certainly don't take myself that seriously. I mean sheesh! the nerve of some dancing rabbits! and... perhaps my choosing to mention various things over others insinuates something about their significance... or, perhaps not. hee!
--
Balance. When you don’t have it you fall. Now, you can find a way to compensate and fake having it so you feel good, or you can do what it takes to build a better footing, so when you lose your balance the next time, you don’t fall so far.
ps. You could fake a “perfect” outside life and still be left miserable internally, just as you could fake a “perfect” internal life and still be left miserable outsidally. It’s normally what happens when you lie to yourself.
Batman
WHAT!!! Fooling oneself ISN’T exponentially more difficult than fooling another! Why do you think people are so ridiculous? People are naturally inclined to fool themselves…which in turn fools others. It’s a West Virginia thang.
So now you mean to say that you weren’t serious about lying to yourself!!! Emily…Emily…what’s her last name?
lol.
I love it…”different instances merit different levels of seriousosity” – sounds like balance. : ) It’s what I’ve been saying all along!
But I do have a few questions – by whose terms must something be indefinable? Might it merely be a matter of perception? And if so, is perception susceptible to foolishness? And if it is…does that mean one might not be entirely correct to assert that something is so indefinable in the first place?
Whatever your thoughts, there is another related conclusion which warrants the exclamation “Holy Toledo Batman” – and that is…this can’t possibly tie back into rational…say rational used to justify the acceptance of the indefinable, or can it? And if so, what does that insinuate!?
Batman
ps. am I making anyone go batty yet?
Not cool. Now my insights can't be placed into context!
Batman
Traci - Thank you so much for your words and support. I would LOVE to sit down for coffee and a chat sometime. I think I could learn a lot from you. :)
Batman -
It's much easier to fake it on the outside. Fooling oneself is exponentially more difficult than fooling another. Perhaps "lying to myself" was a misnomer - but I have no intent of being pressured into censoring things written out of emotion, because even the flaws of such writings indicate something about my mindset at the time, and that's what I care about documenting with this blog. So, I leave it as is, right or wrong. But, since we've already started picking things apart here, "lack of awareness" would probably be more accurate, but it still isn't quite right.
Also, different instances merit different levels of "seriousosity," if you will, or if you won't. When one tends to attempt to categorize undefinable things, yes, these things might appear to become more concrete, more systematic, more understandable - but they lose much of their integrity and uniqueness. The blurry areas that make them so fascinating are cut away or changed. It's like taking a color photograph and grayscaling it, or converting an analog recording into digital format.
There are also times when one's goal is simple expression, nothing more. I trust my readers to be discriminating enough to react appropriately.
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