Dispelling the Fog

I'm beginning this post at 5:37 AM on a Monday morning. I'm not sure when I've been happier in my life. I made it through so much to get to this point.

Reminding myself of this is important, because I have recently allowed myself to feel constrained by all of the everyday, banal little things that we all have to do (work, clean, zookeeping, shopping, etc.). I should be enjoying the little things as well as the big things.

S and I had a conversation that sort of related to this over the weekend - how difficult it is to be an active participant as an adult, when it's just so easy to live in the past, present and future simultaneously. Doing so dilutes the joy one feels in the moment, because one is constantly aware that there will be less joyful (and possibly more joyful) moments in the future, and also because of a certain fond wistfulness that there have been joyful moments in the past that were less tainted by nostalgia and worry about what's coming up next... It's hard to do, unless you're a child or an animal. Or old. Or particularly enlightened. Joy + cognition is so multifaceted sometimes, reflexive, convoluted.

The Yaqui Indians believe the mind is composed of two parts: the tonal, associated with logic, analysis, thinking and consciousness; and the nagual, or the dreaming mind, sheer perception. Weirdly, I think that this concept sort of parallels three stages that people may pass through as they live their lives. Kids are sponges of perception; analysis and reflection is not as prominent in their minds. As we get older, we think we're more mature when we begin to worry, think self-reflexively, analyze, pick apart... And we're unhappy, in flux, existing as a sort of fog along the timeline - always looking backwards and forwards and entangling now with then and when. If we're lucky, we learn to let go of this analysis, and live again in a state of perception and experience.

Why not learn now?

Woooow. I must be in a special mood this morning. I slept like a rock, but Kiska got sick overnight, and in the morning, several times - she's been getting sick almost every day, and I can't figure out why. It started after she chewed up a plant. If she has an obstruction, I can't afford the surgery. I don't want to even think about that.

This past weekend:

- Hot Mikado with S. <3! So. Much. Fun.
- Sleeping in, brunch, flea market.
- Fun, bowling (and getting laughed at!) and superb seafood with S's parents.
- Good conversation.
- Chilling and dinner with Natty & Pepper.
- Too much coffee.
- A much needed quiet evening last night, with piano and Perdido Street Station.