Meditation

Bikram last night... Was a struggle. I definitely struggled physically, but what I truly tried to do - and it's terribly hard for me - was not think at all. I tried not to dread the next pose, tried not to despise the heat, tried not to panic as I struggled to maintain my balance and muscle tension in the correct places, even though my heart raced and sweat ran into my eyes in a continual stream. I drank 100 oz. of water throughout the day yesterday, and my sweat was pure water - no salt. I tried not to look forward to savasana ("corpse" pose, relaxation). I simply listened to Monica, breathed evenly, did what she told me to do, rested when she told me to, sipped water when she told me to, tried to remember when she detailed the benefits of each pose.

I think what makes Bikram so addictive is the otherworldly state the heat and exertion induces. The moment I open the door to the studio and step inside, my mind hazes over as it tries to adjust my body to the heat. The heat is so distracting that it kills a lot of my higher-order cognitive processes, which probably makes it easier for me to get closer to just being there.

I think I'm going back tonight.

Steven has a bad cold, which means that, with his rehearsals and my addictions, I probably won't see him until the weekend. I'm not an antisocial person and I get lonely at my place if I spend too much time there - although Kiska and Jessy are like my little fuzzy kids. I can't find enough motivation to cook for myself, and there's no point to eating out alone... Fast food is not how I roll, ever, so I subsist on apples, carrots with tzatziki, soup, eggs and yogurt. I don't care enough about TV to watch it, and I haven't been particularly interested in video games (although I do have a DS, GameCube, and PS One White at my place). I'm currently in hibernation mode and my closest friends are far, far away from me. I love you all and miss you.

So I work hard, read, do Bikram, and I run run run away.