Monday Stream-of-Consciousness

Monday is one of those all-in-society's-head deals. I'm actually relieved when Monday rolls around; I find them productive and all-around a-ok. There's something satisfying about waking up and making myself exercise and eat a healthy breakfast, working hard at various mundane and interesting tasks, and then returning home to read or practice or run or do anything - or nothing. Weekends depress me slightly because we usually end up sleeping in until the afternoon and making half-hearted decisions about what to do and where to go, and laze about generally and specifically. People let me know that this is exactly what weekends are for, but... It doesn't satisfy me.

Apparently I both love and hate the unstructuredness. As I both love and hate myself. I think Gandalf was referring to us all, to the chemical reactions of our vices and virtues. I was a little bit disappointed when an online columnist managed, before I thought of it, to publicly appreciate a Walt Whitman quote that I've been admiring in recent weeks:

Do I contradict myself?
Very well, I contradict myself.
I am large, I contain multitudes.

It is so rare that I appreciate humanity's magnificence. Yes, it is there, we define it in all sorts of ways. I felt derision as I typed those two short sentences because I usually discount our magnificence, favoring instead to nurse my "educated" humility as I highlight our faults, shortcomings and inferiority - like the march of so many mundane sci-fi writers, who look for the evil in us rather than underlining our strengths. I'm tired of my race being decimated by superior aliens. At this point in my life, I feel like these writers are whipping a dead horse, giving the teacher the same lame excuse. Yes, I do agree that it would suck if we are the highest life forms in the universe, but we too are awesome in our way.

I'm tired of feeling dominated by the potent, vacant superiority that abounds around me. I'm angry at myself for allowing it. I'd like to compare it all to magpies accruing shiny objects, crabs brandishing their claws at each other as they posture in the mud, ants tirelessly and endlessly ferrying their little pieces of detritus... It would be such a surface comparison. Maybe making such a surface comparison befits someone like myself, who allows herself to be buffetted by the empty goals of the empty shells around her.

The magpies and crabs and ants have pure motives. I can't say that about humanity.

I'm sick of it! I want flagrant optimism, undimmed by practicality and knowledge and risk aversion. Give me happiness that is anchored to nothing, contingent upon nothing! Much of this whole damn weekend was wasted, squandered in impotent and pointless unhappiness that arose when I compared myself to others. There's something totally misaligned in my life vista regarding what I want and what I perceive others would think that I should want. I have asked myself why I appear to want the wrong things, when I didn't even write the definition of "wrong" in the first place!

Let's ditch society and be happy, and beautiful, dammit.