So. Marriage. When I hear this word, a skirmish between good connotations and bad connotations skirls through the back of my mind. I know I've mentioned some of my thoughts before, but I have put some other thoughts into words since then. Don't take me too seriously, but don't completely discount these ramblings.
40% of marriages between spouses with college degrees end in divorce.
In my dark moods, I find myself confused and apprehensive - not about the nature of S and I's relationship, but about the existence of FATE. Every day I am bombarded by Marriage Tales - horror stories, dark humor, arguments, hate, adversity, pain - and I hear relatively few tales of romance, love and transformation. WHY?! Simple American fixation with sensationalism and drama?
Why oh why would somebody who loves this other person so much, who is so smitten by them... Be forever linked to them, doomed to hand-in-hand experience a relationship's evolution from infatuation to giddy love to familiarity to... Something deeper and often darker? Something this consuming - ah! When a quirk of his lips, a change of expression, when something as minute as a sigh - incites such depth of love --- if there were a way to crystallize this state, embed it into amber, hold it like this, JUST like this --- would I do it? Is it inevitable that we will lose this?
I worry that it IS a natural evolution, and that married people are doomed to suffer until they end the relationship, or undergo successful counseling. Would we rather suffer together, or suffer alone? WILL we have to suffer each other? Is the current state of our love more valuable than its evolution over time and space and knowledge and change?
I don't ever, ever want the relationship between S and I to become an entity, to transform us into a matched pair, reflections of each other. I'm leery of the definitions of "good wife" and "good husband." We all define things differently in our heads, but that sounds like a job; but I guess if you love your job, you don't have to work a day in your life. Urgh, I'm doing a terrible job of solidifying my diaphanous notions into English. I'm a "good writer," you're a "good doctor," he's a "good accountant," etc. Every job is defined by its requisite roles. I hope our roles are interchangeable, our minds are malleable and our lives are more infused than that - or maybe more suspended, in the chemical definition of the term.
Will I gaze upon his face in the distant future, my mind filled to the brim with the context of years of discovery and conflict, suffering, death, birth, adventure, romance, and say, yes, it was worth the link, the journey past the surface, beyond the "joy of young love" and into something more profound?
I'm excited and... Terrified. And excited.
1 year ago
3 comments:
I think it is easier for the world to tell a tale of misery and injury about marriage as it is simpler and captures more drama, than does a tale about complex love, compromises, and long-lasting transformative relationships.
I think many people approach marriage (and relationships in general) from a selfish perspective (which is not necessarily a bad thing). What do I want? What will I get out of this? And too often I think many are only interested in the warm fuzzies and passion that is inherent in the beginning of most relationships. These things can still exist at later stages, but often amidst other things - like learning to become a better person through compromise and sacrifice. Most people aren't interested in challenging themselves and do not seek these type of rewards.
Every relationship has inherent privileges and roles/responsibilities/duties. You have duties towards your parents, siblings, teachers, employers, coworkers. At least with marriage you get to choose to whom you owe a duty.
We all hedge our bets on the eventual outcome. Fortunately, this is one part of life that you can influence significantly by how you mould the relationship and react to life's changes together.
Yes, be terrified. Yes, be excited. You should be nothing less.
love,
rh
Don't Think
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