Moar!

As evidenced by the blogosphere, it's that time of year for some serious introspection and self-evaluation. Here's some more.

Throughout the past four years or so, I've been struggling to define myself. Argh! I can't stand that sentence! It should have been written at least once in my High School Chronicles, but I wasn't that philosophically advanced. Sad. Throughout my life up to age 24, I was pretty much completely accepting of my spontaneous whims, occasional lack of restraint and self-discipline, and comfortable being as dorky, depressed, lazy, crazy or asleep as I wanted at any given moment. It was all completely natural.

The funny thing is, during that time, I was truly enjoying being alive. I never looked forward to a future point in time that I defined as "living life." The acceptance or rejection of my peers was a sort of fleeting preoccupation. I didn't long for a boyfriend. Friendships happened spontaneously. My future career was as nebulous and fantastical as my imagination. There wasn't a thought in my head regarding any need or desire for marriage or children.

As I get older, I find myself worrying about whether or not I'm living life "properly."

The other night before we fell asleep, Caspian asked me how I'd like to see myself so that he could help me toward my goals. I thought about it for a minute or two and was silent. To put it into words was to limit it. I countered with, "well, I bet you don't know how you want to see yourself!" He immediately said, "I do. I want to see myself as an excellent singer, and as a fun and friendly person." Huh. In my mind, he's a complex person, but he's somehow free of the constant, multi-level self-analysis that I'm plagued with and didn't insult himself at all with that simple summation.

I've got some serious problems with conflicting values. I seek faith, but I deeply distrust religion and view much of it as societal and moral brainwashing. I want to be professionally accomplished, but I want to slow down. I want to reject analysis, but I want to be thoughtful. I want to create beauty, but I see so much ugliness in what we all are. I want to believe in myself, but when I find myself doing so, I scorn myself.

My greatest fear, and I know I've said it before, is to be so inward-turning that the people around me completely miss my point - the point of ME. I've had acquaintances, after hearing from my parents what a crazy tornado child I was, look at me disbelievingly and say, "I would never have guessed." I take it as gravest insult. How did I fail as a person, to go from a tornado, to "nice," "sweet," "polite" in definition? Where did my riot of colors go, and when did I paint myself beige, with a cute hint of pink?

So, how do I want to see myself? Ahh, it's such a hard question!

Above all, I want to be silly. Silly and intelligent and introverted and difficult to know. I also want to be resolute in everything that I do, even when I resolve to be lazy, simple, domestic, poised, and all of those other things I hate loving to be. I want to be a talented piano player and dancer. I want to be a successful, hard-working, respected professional. I want to be an athlete.

There! That was hard, but I think that's a start.