Just Okay is NOT Okay

Walking out to the car Saturday afternoon on our way to a sushi picnic at Duke Gardens, Caspian exclaimed, "Whoa, some tree jizzed all over my car!"  This morning, my car is caked with pollen, so are my sinuses... And so is the whole state, I think.

We drove Caspian's brother home after last night's summery feast at my parents' house. Meandering down 751 at dusk, passing greening pastures, quiet country homes and deep forests, two simultaneous thoughts occurred.

I love being alive.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

And the result:

I would love being alive if I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

And in that moment, as the sunset gently glared through an opaline sky, as I unfocused my eyes and watched green clouds of saplings zoom past under shaded glades - I vowed - VOWED - to get another job. I can't live my life marginally happy. I can't live every weekday of my life sleepy, just okay, and wondering where the previous evening went, and the one before, and the one before, etc. ad nauseum. The saddest thing is that I feel so pressured to appreciate every single moment that I'm not where I don't want to be, that I miss most of the moments.

I'm not willing to sacrifice joy for money and security. Everytime I say this, I chide myself, "Hey, it's YOUR choice, YOUR attitude. You're the architect, just change it." True, but only to an extent in my case. I'm not sure if I have the kind of willpower necessary to transform a banal situation into a dream, 24/7. Like any muscle, the use of one's imagination makes it stronger... But I'm sure it needs a rest every other day.

Last week...  A blur of practice with Yuri (new dance partner for Charlotte), staying up too late, working, and a weekend of partying.  Glump.