Do Kids Still Matter to Marriage?

An interesting article in the New York Times highlighting a trend in the United States - people are marrying later, having children later, and having fewer children, thus spending less time parenting.

Are children essential to a happy marriage? I think not.

I don't have issues with the article. Both supporters and detractors have interesting points. Some detractors are almost apocalyptic in their claims that a world without children would be a sad one indeed - and it would, of course, but that isn't the point of this article.

What I do have a problem with is the mindset that if a couple decides not to have children, they are inherently selfish. I've seen selfish people with several children, and extremely generous, giving, empathetic single people and childless married couples. The decision whether or not to procreate is personal, and private. For some couples, it IS essential. For others, it isn't.

My grandfather once said to my father: "You'll be dead a long time. Don't wait to do the things you want to do." If you want children, don't wait. If you want to go to music school, don't wait. The extent of the resources available may constrain you, but don't wait any longer than you need to. In fact, take chances, take risks to seek and discover fulfillment and enlightenment. The argument that procreation is the primary purpose of marriage is absurd to me. Every person is different, every marriage is different, every couple has different goals, different life paths, different definitions of "joyful" and "fulfilled" and "happy." Interestingly, studies have shown that married couples live longer, are healthier, are more positive and more fulfilled. Despite humanity's promiscuous roots, it is clear that pairing up with another soul and being part of a relationship in which the goal of both participants is to help the other partner to become the person that he/she desires to become... Is psychologically, physically and spiritually beneficial to both participants. Children, on the other hand, do not necessarily provide the same benefits - which is why the decision to procreate should be a decision, a choice, and based on the goals and expectations of the partnership. Thus, I wholeheartedly support gay marriage and believe that all marital partnerships should be afforded equal benefits by the state.

I may even go so far as to argue that children, in a marriage, contribute to marital unhappiness and the dissolution of the partnership... For the majority of partnerships, but not all. Forty years of studies underline this fact - but there are plenty of extant partnerships with children who would argue otherwise, which is their choice, a piece of their goals, the source of their fulfillment, and perfectly true and wonderful. They are simply in the minority.

Others would likely argue with me that the partnership changes and sacrifices for the children, but I haven't discovered a rational explanation re why this SHOULD be so, for all people, for all marriages. Parenthood is an excellent experience for some, and terrible for others, at the expense of their children. Parenthood is an inconcievably gigantic risk. Some may claim that a large family will support aging parents, which is the opposite of selfless. Parenthood was not meant for all of us.

I laughed when I read a commenter's impassioned speech about the rapidly multiplying Muslim population and implication that Christians should be having children right and left.  Really?  Seriously?  Is it all some weird religious baby race?  "We win if there are more of us?"  How viral.  How absolutely absurd.  What is the fate of a colony of organisms that outgrows its host?  Its resources?  How can a government provide the services needed to support an unchecked, exponentially-exploding population?  How can that civilization become skilled enough, educated enough to innovate, to compete with the keenest minds on earth?  How can a civilization that prizes, nourishes and educates only 49% of its population possibly inherit the world?  I hope I never, ever see the day that two exploding religious populations swarm like ants across the earth, consuming everything in their paths, assimilating or destroying those who don't share their views.  Is this holy?

The above article doesn't surprise me - it delights me. I hope that future partnerships will always, always heed their dreams.