I have some thoughts milling around in my head that deserve closer inspection, and they all have to do with moving. Caspian and I have researched separately, argued with each other, agreed with each other, and tossed ideas back and forth. He even went back this morning to the possibility of moving to Montreal. Would I do it?
It would be an easy thing to set up a home base here, where our friends our, our parents, our dance teachers and voice instructors. We know where everything is, how to take all of the back roads to get to places, where the cheapest and tastiest sushi lives. If I need my hair trimmed, I can drive over to my parents' house in the forest and sit in a sunbeam while she happily snips. To set up shop here in a true home, a house, with a yard and a driveway, is so very tempting to both of us. It is quite easily within our grasp, and our mortgage would probably be about 30-50% less than our current rent, which falls into a black hole as it pays for somebody else's mortgage. Is it an easy way out, or the road to enlightenment, or simply just a short stretch of that long road, which may wander across the universe?
On the other hand... To remain here would mean that we'd have to stay in this area, where we both spent our childhood, for the next five years or so. It would mean that I could go to Duke and get my PhD if I wanted. Caspian would have to find jobs in the area, and we aren't sure if his dream of becoming a performer would come true in the context of this option. But we would have a place to call our very own, to cultivate and personalize and return to each day knowing that there is a little piece of this planet several feet deep and a half-acre wide that we have limited dominion over. This sounds almost unbearably lovely to me... And unbearably banal.
If I were a selfish beast (which I am), would I really want Caspian to be a performer? I realized last weekend that it might be good for me (woot, famous opera singer for a husband, travel, excitement) and good for him (fame, travel, performance, etc.), but horrible for us. All glamour, no amour. Our partnership is very romantic. Would we have to sacrifice that? We would be parted much of the time, pursuing our dreams separately.
I have a well-developed taste for the unusual. My romantic heart is so drawn to the idea of Caspian as a performer and rebels at the idea of both of us working, doing all of the usual things, buying a suburban home and driving little Japanese cars and speaking American to all of our other little American neighbors. Should I be so willing to give away a life of simple contentment for the upheaval of constantly moving, supporting myself and my spouse while we get additional degrees, traveling around the world, perhaps living in other countries and learning new languages? Would I be giving it away if we decided to stay in the area for several years, or actually preparing for it?
Help. Thoughts. Please.
1 year ago
6 comments:
You're facing a pretty big decision here...I'll throw in my two cents' worth. :)
Moving around is grand and exciting...if you are sure that you can stand the separation from your family. I studied abroad for a year in college, and I went into it with the same attitude that you have now. It was an adventure, it was exciting, etc. I was good for about eight months...and then I really started missing home. It got so bad and I was so homesick I talked to my mom almost every day. However, since you are married and your husband would be there, you might not have the same problem.
At the same time, if you are going to travel and move around, now is the time to do so. You can always settle down in a few years.
I often face the same yearnings for something more than a 9-to-5 desk job, but I am much too attached to a certain comfort level to throw caution to the wind and go for it. If you can handle the uncertainty, go for it! I'll be jealous of you and live vicariously through your blog posts. :)
Well, Japan is a lot different from our home compared to Canada, which is only a 14-15 hour drive from here, too.
My parents, friends and sisters all say the same thing - do it, now is the time. I think it would be a grand adventure too, even if it only lasts a couple of years.
The comfort and familiarity would be hard to leave indeed.
My darling, this is the situation I still face - I'm a nostalgic nomadic. I pine and yearn for my family and friends and familiarity, but when I find myself living in NC right now, I feel stagnate. You obviously know the course of my decisions. The only consolation to the nostalgia is the thought that someday I will settle in NC and buy a house and have that life. However, I'm also not as emotionally close to my family as you are to yours.
Be forewarned - it takes a good year, possibly two years to really feel like you can settle into a new place. So trying a new place out for a year or so isn't really fair.
My only question is - can you or Caspian live with the potential regret of never knowing exactly how far he could go? There is some truth to this taking-advantage-of-things-while-you're-young thing.
love, always,
RH
RH - What about that transition part - the period of time between moving to a new place and feeling like you can settle there? Is it enjoyable? Exciting? Stressful? No good, awful, very bad? All of the above?
I saw your post on Anna's blog today, and I was struck by the similarity in our circumstance--my husband and I also recently marred last August, and have a 4 year age gap (I was 29 and he was 25) and I'm pursuing a Ph.D., and he has plans to finish his Master's program.I don't have any answers but I'd be interested in exchanging ideas. Anna's posts are thought provoking, but I find she has little to no patience with women who are not dedicated home makers willing to bare children directly after marriage.
If you are interested, feel free to email me.
Best,
Amanda
Hmm, transition period - depends on the place, people, job, culture, also your expectations on the duration of your residence. No doubt there will be attributes you adore about a place/situation (star jasmine! farmers markets! outdoor activities!) and things you will simply despise (traffic at 8pm! sunburn! self-righteous idiots who think their sun-soaked celebrity location is the best thing since sliced bread!). You _will_ have trouble finding friends. You _will_ be lonely (but this is also tempered by having a mobile husband. Nowhere (including the place you live now) will have everything you want and need, but perhaps some will have more than others.
And I only feel like I can say this since having moved to 4 different corners of the world in the past 6 years.
-RH
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