Curses and Blessings

Bah. I screwed up at work.

Not a big screwup; I just had a certain item of information posted online in multiple locations, and one of those locations happened to be wrong and I was unaware of it, which caused a small group of people a minor inconvenience. I apologized to the group, but there was a little bit of not-so-passive aggressiveness in my apology that I probably should have attempted to quash... I embarassedly confessed to my boss about it, and she was all for my head-on approach (because people were being slightly unreasonable), but still.

It's a difficult thing to keep the people around me happy; I often feel responsible for doing so. So much so that I sometimes ignore my own feelings about the lengths I feel obligated to go to in order to so do. I often can't tell what's reasonable and unreasonable, and when I take a stand, I worry about the feelings of the other party involved more than I worry about myself and my own standards.

I have a bit of a self-destructive streak, I think, probably to counteract the massive compulsion I have towards self-improvement. It expresses itself in interesting ways.

But, despite mistakes and confusion, I'm feeling much more shiawase than I did then. Despite being tired, I'm happy, although I feel slightly guilty about being happy. Dance has become a priority, now that I suspect that I might have the chance to really excel and compete on the level I've always wanted to. I think I'm going to try my hand (hah) at accompanying S, who has some fascinating musical plans - I've never accompanied before, and I'm both anxious and excited! And despite workplace blunders, I'm enjoying it - especially the environment. There is nothing like meandering around downtown on a sparkling summer morning, everything is so small and big and 3D and alive, in an historical, organic/synthetic and human-created way. I love it here.

I think it will be okay.

Oh! I just spent about a bazillion dollars (well not quite, but close, I assure you!) on a brand-new queen-sized bed and mattress. I cannot wait to get a good night's sleep, it'll be delivered next week!

And, A and I are practicing tonight, and then the superawesome RH and I will get up to some hijinks. :D