On most fronts, I'm deeply happy. But I feel like I'm drifting away from a social circle to which I suspect (or fear?) I never truly belonged, and I'm... Ready for something new, yet reluctant to let it pass? Grasping at sociability for the sheer sake of it, rather than out of the derivation of any real joy or connection? Grasping at it because I fear becoming some sort of weird hermit? Grasping because I am disturbed at how content I feel... Without people, sometimes. I admit that I am very comfortable being alone, or in the presence of one or two close friends.
But... I can also be very extroverted, and I enjoy being around groups of people. Am I holding on to this circle, which contains people with whom I only vaguely connect, simply because it gives me an excuse to be around others, or not? It feels borrowed, right now. Friends are not for borrowing. Borrowed people are not friends...?
I feel like I should let it go, let it all go, and find something new and more - me? What is holding me back?
I miss you, RH. I feel like I have a connection with you that is hard to come by. I have a very deep fear of losing you because you're so far away.
But... I can also be very extroverted, and I enjoy being around groups of people. Am I holding on to this circle, which contains people with whom I only vaguely connect, simply because it gives me an excuse to be around others, or not? It feels borrowed, right now. Friends are not for borrowing. Borrowed people are not friends...?
I feel like I should let it go, let it all go, and find something new and more - me? What is holding me back?
I miss you, RH. I feel like I have a connection with you that is hard to come by. I have a very deep fear of losing you because you're so far away.
4 comments:
I understand what you mean by being content in your solitude or the company of a discrete few, but in my experience that can have negative effects. I have often become absorbed in myself and the company of one or two key people, and I have also found myself completely alone and without any close friends in what felt like an instant.
I'm working hard to cultivate strong friendships that are my own rather than joint friendships, and I'm telling myself that I'll do better and keep them this time. I hope I do.
Whether you rekindle your relationship with the current circle or look for a new circle that's all your own, I think it's important to have a circle of many rather than some line of two points or a polygon with only a few vertexes...
I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there, you'll figure out the right thing to do.
I miss you too ;(. But let it be known that maintaining long-distance friendships is a choice, not a fatalistic event. If we want to stay friends, we will stay friends. Of course, it probably involves a few visitation trips (psst..I'll be in town Oct 30-Nov 2 for friends' wedding- when are you leaving for DCDI?)
On the other front, I feel like it is important to have friends at all various levels- some whom are very close to you, others whom it is fun to hang out with in a group setting. Different friends fill different needs, you just need to decide what kinds of needs you have. You can't expect dance teammates to necessarily be your mental soulfood though.
I know what you mean about missing the mental challenges- I felt the same after leaving Ox- and now that SR's back in school, I get to meet lots of challenging people again.
-rh
d - I just need to find a place where I can connect with people MY age (who aren't insane about the whole career/babies/house/keepingupwiththejoneses thing) who are interested in the things I'm interested in... which will be kind of hard.
alisa - It's always comforting to know that there are others out there reading what I write, and understanding where I'm coming from. :D
rh - I don't think I'm going to be going to DCDI. I am just feeling too dubious about it, and it looks unlikely that I'll be able to find a partner in time, not to mention the fact that I haven't really danced all that much in the past 3 weeks, what with all of my disenchantment and vacation and other endeavors and whatnot... Plus. Honestly, spending some time with my favorite redhead is more important to me. :)
::sigh:: I think I just need to explore some other circles, perhaps engage in another (musical?) activity that I love. I have an eclectic scattering of close friends all over the place, but we are never together, and rarely see each other.
and I think I'm ready for that PhD. O.o
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