Right after I posted about yesterday's fervently dismal (is that oxymoronic?) happenings, I received an e-mail from M, one of the piano teachers I'd identified as somebody I may want to work with. I told her that I'd probably humbly stick myself in the "advanced" category and listed my goals:
- Increase classical repertoire
- Learn pieces in difficult keys with interesting and/or changing time signatures
- Sightread to consistent tempo
- Chopin technique (something all its own)
She sounded so excited about taking me on! I'm shooting for a trial lesson sometime next week to see if she can do what I need her to do - which is primarily to give me direction. I also need motivation and expert guidance regarding technique and learning methods.
I used to be really good. Like, awesome. :C Now I just fiddle around with crappy improv composition and I have no head for performance. My mind has changed so much in the past decade; I'll have to completely rethink my approach to performance.
Okay, now for a little bit of motive-examination. I feel like I tend to explore all sorts of things only to discard them a short time later - but only if they fall short of fulfilling me, or require me to really force myself to do them. I force myself to do enough in my life; hobbies should be completely free of all forcing!
Hence, kung fu. I liked the people, the staff work, the forms - but I was just not into the aggression, the public display of masculine might. I'm 5'3" and a muscular 115 lbs. I just don't have the mass to budge the average full-grown man, no matter how flawless my technique. Sure, there's stuff I could excel at, but... The wrestling? It just wasn't my thing.
Dancing. I loved it, but it felt borrowed. I should throw that thought out right now, since it was something I was good at, something I really enjoyed. I met my best friend dancing. I may have borrowed it, but I returned what I borrowed and made something for myself in the end. So, what's stopping me now? Ah, it's simple. I just don't connect with the collegiate scene, which is so big around here that I can't escape it, and it's unfortunately the best source of high-caliber international instruction. I have outgrown "college-aged" and I need to be around motivated, driven people who understand my frame of mind, my life experience outside of college/grad school.
Fitness-related activities... I will probably never be able to drop, even if I wanted to. I'm too vain, too active in an existence sense, too emotional to be able to live without that kind of mindless release. S thinks I'll run myself into the ground someday.
But I need something more; something that's not mindless, something that's not awkward, something that I'm talented at. I would say, despite the 10-year hiatus, that my musical aptitude is rare. My intuitive piano-playing... Is not exactly common. Sure, I've met all sorts of others like me, but we're distilled and concentrated from a widely-ignorant population.
Do I have the wherewithal to apply myself? Are my motives pure? Will I find it fulfilling now, when in the past, I took it for granted? And, as much as I don't want to publicise this thought: Am I doing it because S is a musician? Is it just another borrowed toy?
In other words... Am I doing it for myself?
1 year ago
4 comments:
Music is something that you loved, long before you ever met S. I think he simply reminded you of how much you adore it, and partly one reason you are so attracted to him because of his musicianship as well. It is not borrowed, it is yours.
And, I, for one, am glad that you took up dancing for at least a short while. :)
-rh
your responses are always so beautiful and thoughtful
I don't want to end that sentence with a period, for some reason.
<3
Good luck with the piano and flute lessons! I really should consider doing something similar with piano. After getting a minor in piano in college (although, it was actually closer to a major, except that I did minor juries instead of major juries), I've basically done nothing with it for the last 17 years. :-(
What's your backstory with piano and flute?
Hm, my backstory...
Well, I've been playing the piano since I was big enough to sit up on the bench. Much of my musicianship was learned in early childhood, and it's deeply ingrained. I competed steadily until I was about 18; I was always one of the top three in my age group, statewide. I think I made nationals a couple times. My long-time piano teacher was determined to send me to music school in New England, but I had other plans, and she dropped me. I've been playing just for fun ever since.
Flute... I started when I was about 12. I picked it up quickly because of my piano sightreading skills. I also played keyboard in a jazz band at the same time. I didn't get really good at flute until I was about 16, when I got scholarships to various summer music camps (although I ended up focusing on piano, there). Kept that up steadily until college, receiving a beautiful Gemeinhardt custom flute along the way.
It sits on a shelf in the closet of my childhood room at my parents' house.
:(
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