A Little Note in the Land of Bach

Song of the Day: When Francis Speaks (Simon V remix) - Artefact

Such a sad, sweet song.

I very rarely have a "bad" day. Almost every day contains some elation, some excitement, some boredom, some contentedness, some frustration, some anger... Yesterday, however was a bad day. I'll admit that I was on the verge of tears as I locked my not-mine-anymore-office, and made it to my bedroom floor before plopping down and sobbing. I feel just plain neglected. I allowed myself an indulgent moment of self-pity, then stood up and played Invention #4 until my arms were quivering. I made sure that each accent, each tie and staccato and crescendo was executed with veracity. Sometimes I wish I were a little note in the Land of Bach, with my own strict identity and clear role within the phrase, the song.

Instead, I'm subject to the whims of interpretation. I'm obviously from the Romantic Era. ;)

My mom says it's time to go back to school again and add to my collection of diplomas, but I'm leery. Ph.D. school steals your soul - not to mention about 6 years' worth of salary money and the potential investment value thereof.

I regularly read the blogs of about 10 or so other twenty-something women in the area, and I'm often shocked at how different our life vistas are. All of them happen to be married, some of them have a child. They worry a lot about their marriages, the diets of their offspring, the states of their home remodeling projects, their faiths. I mention this not because those things are unimportant; I do so because of the disconnect. I have no marriage! No offspring either, no house, and my spirituality is rather abstract and verges upon agnostic. I have the life experience of a well-educated 27-year-old, but the mind of an 18-year-old.

Maybe I'm drawing flawed conclusions, but I'm totally turned off to the 3-Step Process (get married + buy house + have kid). But. After being exposed to the lives of these women, I'm ashamed to find myself sometimes envious of the nice things they own, the flexibility they enjoy, the stable feeling of having a Place, a Companion. A selfish, lazy part of me wonders how it would feel to rely on somebody else's financial support. Wonders what it would feel like to have the option to not work.

This is difficult for me to talk about, since I never expected to rely on another person and chose my path accordingly, thus far. I never really pondered having a lifestyle similar to those of these women. I'm sure these feelings have something to do with my current career uncertainty. My first impulse is to roll my eyes at myself; I'm smart, I have a need to contribute. I'm aware of my irrational skepticism regarding motherhood and I'm trying to be more objective about it. Perhaps motherhood is the most significant form of contribution...?

It's terrifying to write that. I feel like I'm touching upon the brainwashing techniques of some of the creepiest fundamentalist Christian cults. Their adherents are cultists - 'followers of an exclusive system of religious beliefs and practices;' 'followers of an unorthodox, extremist, or false religion or sect who often live outside of conventional society under the direction of a charismatic leader.' Fundamentalist Christian cults - most fundamentalist religions, actually - are terrifying. Everything they live by - ignorance, subservience, inequality, the removal of choice [read: slavery], exclusion - is anathema to me. And to uphold these beliefs in the name of God?! Repulsive.

I digress.

Ugh! I wonder if cynicism is a disease sometimes.

How long must I wait to be happy?
Is it fate or faith that will save me?
Do I have the right
To receive god's eternal graces?

Who made up the rules that we follow?
Who is the chosen fool that we follow?
I'm betting my life
That it all rewinds and erases.

[Ror-Shak: Fate or Faith (Club Mix)]