Based on a True Story

Natty and Caspian wrote a joint Gchat story today while we were working (read: procrastinating). It all started when I told Caspian that Natty is writing a fiction novel based on her life. He suggested I write one too, which resulted in the collaboration below, which I had nothing to do with. It went something like this.

Caspian, a rock opera singer from Gradius IX, descended to earth for a global concert and was smitten by the otherworldy beauty of a youthful blonde public servant! Unfortunately, she is already betrothed to her elderly and wart-ridden keeper, Dennorous [insert evil chuckling - you can guess who wrote that part]. Clearly, slayings are required.

Fortunately, Caspian bests Dennorous and travels with his new bride back to Gradius IX, where the gradient tongue in its written form is fatal to earthlings if read. But they may hear it, or read it in a form of braille. To prevent accidental earthling death by the reading of road signs and the like, the government of Gradius IX has ordained that before setting foot on the planet, all earthlings must have their eyeballs removed.

Caspian is outraged and feels that his bride is so perfectly composed that to remove any part of her person would be a great tragedy. After all, being from Gradius IX, he already owns a whole collection of earthling eyes he has found attractive on their very own!

In an unexpected turn of events, his bride dumps him because she is creeped out by his earthling eyeball collection and moves back to earth. Caspian weeps, but this story is about the blonde public servant, so the reader doesn't know that.

Tragically, the Grand Exalted Ruler of Gradius IX signs an intergalactic warrant for the blonde earthling's eyeballs - for every earthling ever to have visited Gradius IX has to have them removed. It's just the way things are done, and he happens to want hers for his own collection.

Caspian emerges from his isolation, gathers his rock opera crew together and forms a plan to dethrone the ruler in the name of his lost love. They organize the universe's first annual Tri-galaxy Rock Opera Battle with the promise of unprecedented grandeur and pyrotechnic performances illegal on seven planets. The Grand Exalted Ruler cannot deny his invitation to the event, and neither can Caspian's ex-bride... He may collect eyeballs, but he has a great voice.

But the Grand Exhalted Ruler has dressed in soundproof clothes! Having heard of Caspian's amazing sonic attacks, he came prepared! His mighty Thrumships blasted the Rock Opera Battle to smithereens, slaying countless Earthlings, Nudians, and Gradiuns alike! Caspian and his ex-bride just barely escape with their lives in a tiny hoverdinghy.

Then, the vessel they had mistaken to be a hoverdinghy turned out to be a pantarrackadon, once believed to be extinct! Pantarrackadons are known to be logical creatures unprecedented in their thirst for justice. He agrees to help the lovers as long as Caspian gives up his eyeball collection as collateral.

Caspian, knowing that pantarrackadons are vicious arbiters of justice, and can also make a mean pecan pie, sorrowfully consigns his eyeballs to the creature. The pantarrackadon, named Kjumlprabb, squealed with glee and promptly devoured the collection. "Very well," said he. "What you need to get past the Grand Exalted Ruler's defenses are..." (he paused dramatically) "WATER GUNS."

"Water guns???" Cried blondie and Caspian in unison. "What are those?"

"An ancient Earth weapon," replied Kjumlprabb. The pantarrackadon, knowing that Gradiuns of the royal family are severely allergic to cold water (hot water is fine), began to writhe and shake, and its translucent skin turned a cloudy gray. Within moments, it had regurgitated what it said were several Supa Sokura 1000's [Super Soakers! Japanified! HA!] from the Yao Ming dynasty.

I think they'd used up their allotted daily wit at this point. Either that or they actually had work to do. I'm not sure which part of my life the whole pantarrackadon thing parallels, but everything else, yeah, I see where they got it. ;)