Reality Check

Temperature Department:

I always felt sorry for trees because they had to stand stoically, rooted in the earth during the winter. No coats or jackets (or nerve-endings) for them, none of the "going-indoors" shenanigans or "cuddling" (read: stealing thermal energy from a boyfriend who oh-so-conveniently maintains a constant toasty state of 98.6 F). Maybe it has nothing to do with my hatred of being cold - sounds like a control issue to me. This is becoming a tangent faster than I thought possible. Ahem. I'm chilly! And I don't like it!

Food Department:

Ball pythons can survive for up to one year without eating, but I apparently can't survive 2 hours because I am obviously dying of starvation. My quivering, dessicated fingers quaver meditatingly upon each key as I type these words, my last... I savor the texture of the silky plastic for the last time, and am not surprised to note that most of the letters have been worn away by the countless keystrokes that result in the unending nonsense that I am so adept at producing. Speaking of production, why couldn't I produce my own food and exist in a perfect state of no input/output? Who did I have that conversation with about growing noodles from one's... head, was it? Hey, I'd be resigned to eating noodles for the rest of my life if I wanted to be truly self-supportive, but I'd never die of starvation like I am now.

Music Department:

This department is losing its funding very quickly because its benefactors have become quite tired of the selection. Pretty soon they are going to start listening to country in protest. Yes, THAT IS A THREAT. It kind of sucks that I have to threaten myself.

Literature Department:

Completely overfunded, waaay too much of the budget is allocated to this department. Halp! I'm drowning in books! And I just bought three more today. Mmm, memoirs of 1850s women on the pioneer trails...

Kung Fu Department:

Still in its developmental stages. You'll be updated as soon as I have news.

Fuzz Management Department:

Lots of job openings here. Apply today!