Shiawase Ni Narou

::sigh:: I have a hankering to write a nice juicy emo post, but I find that my usual silly humor is causing me to fail.

I'm feeling rather bummed. I have so much to say but it lacks coherency enough for me to pare it down and express it in words. I'm like a high-performance car (perhaps a Porsche, or maybe a Lotus mm) - all tuned power and sleekness and design - pointed in no direction in particular, wasting gas, going nowhere. I am a walking contradiction. I'm also partly full of complete nonsense, so bear with me here because the sense is always deceptively cushioned in silly tangents that must be expressed at all costs, lest I be overcome by them at an inopportune time and scorch the very fabric of reality with pure, unadulterated word poo. Nobody wants to be sitting on the can at such a moment in the cubicle next to somebody with word poo power such as that which I possess. I must be doing the world a favor!

Oh hell.

I think, really, that my feelings are so complex that I balk at trying to sort them out so that somebody else can understand, and I don't want to risk a communication failure when the message is so delicately painful. So, I'll express some of the mundane bits that have been chewing with their insidious little teeth at my shiawase*.

I miss my friends, my people (defined or not!), a place in a comfortable circle of intelligent minds. I had a borrowed one for awhile and actually felt as if I were truly adopting it as my own before my withdrawal. I stand on the outside now, still in a position to watch and appreciate the inner workings of the group while slowly being forgotten by it. I am less disturbed by the forgetting than I am wistful at the bonhomie. I have my bizarrely awesome family and my marvelous opera singer. I have my education and my brain and my beauty (as much as I loathe myself sometimes!), my Place and a Future that I can just feel is full of possibility, if I have the courage to shellac those possibilities into realities... I can be both immovably decisive and as irresolute as it is possible to be. But I need People, and something in which to pour my intelligence and physical strength that is not vain or solitary.

I wish I were more developed, more honed, more evolved to be ready for something in which to pour my intelligence and passion that is neither vain nor solitary, that makes the universe a nicer place for all within it... Not just myself.

Shiawase (shee-ah-WA-say) - Profound, lasting happiness.